Have a seat

My wife, Anna, has a penchant for upholstery. The occasional bed, but mostly chairs. Chairs of all shapes and sizes. We have acquired so many chairs over the years our house resembles an old people's home... with only two residents.

We can seat 16 people in our kitchen, 17 in the living room, 16 in our bedroom (it's good to have a choice of places to sit when cutting your toenails)! We haven't got a particularly big house. Chez Shaw is less of a house, more of a conference centre. 

She is never happier than when visiting an Emmaus. She has been to every Emmaus in south-west France...has purchased a chair or two (probably riddled with woodworm) from every Emmaus in south-west France. 

If Anna tells me she is taking the van into town, I know where she's going and I know what will be coming back. I beg her, plead with her not to bring anymore furniture home as I stand with one foot on a chaise longue and one on a banquette. But, it's like an addiction...she can't resist the beautiful French furniture.

As well as an array of hammers, pliers and needles she has an electric stapler for her upholstering, which makes a similar noise to a hand gun being fired. Whenever she entered the room clutching the briefcase the stapler is housed in, our dog (God rest her soul), would rush out of the room. As a tinnitus sufferer myself I have a pair of ear defenders with me at all times, incase our sensitive smoke alarm goes off or Anna is 'doing' a chair.

Like all things creative the process can be going really well or very badly. If I hear Anna singing along to Alouette with intermittent gun fire, I know everything is peachy in upholstery land. But if there is effing and jeffing emanating from the work area (the kitchen), I know to stay out and start chambré-ing a calming bottle of red. 

For each chair Anna climbs aboard the emotional rollercoaster. “I'm not sure about the fabric”, “It's the wrong sort of material”, “It's too thick”, “It's too thin”, “I've lined the pattern up wrong”, “I can't get the staples out”, “I can't get the staples in”, “I'm never going to do another chair again”, “Never let me do another chair again”, “I think me stapler's broken (bang) no it's okay”, “Are we drinking tonight?”, “I'm not happy about that bit”, “I love it!”.

She is not the tidiest worker either. A chair can take several days and we will eat our meals surrounded by horse hair, wadding, straps, springs, piping and a variety of tools. For days afterwards it is advisable to wear slippers at all times, as the chance of standing on a staple or tack is highly likely.

The chairs are always beautiful at the end of the process and calm is restored. Painted and re-covered in some luxurious material. Photographs will be taken and WhatsApp-ed to the family. Then the inevitable question... “are you using the van this afternoon?”

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